It's hard to untangle two lives. When we're together we create so many connections, interconnections and tendrils that entwine us together. Children especially link us forever.
This last week I have learnt how to tell a team member we have to let them go because we can't afford to pay her anymore. How to negotiate with car sales men to buy & sell. How to read a profit & loss sheet - and actually understand it. I'm learning how to do a cash flow prediction for my business - one that actually works!
I also learnt that maybe an amicable divorce is a dream. I learnt how to smile in front of my children. What I really wanted to do was yell at their father. I wanted him to take notice of how stupid he's being. How can he choose alcohol over these two gorgeous, loving boys? How can he decide that new MGP scooters are more important than the school fees he claims he can't contribute to? I just can't see how any of this makes sense logically. But then alcoholism isn't logical.
Monday, 7 May 2012
Wednesday, 25 April 2012
Confusions & Misunderstandings
When 2 people are happy, they work to understand each other. And when we're not, doesn't it feel almost like we work to not understand each other?
In Nicole Kidman & Tom Cruise's break-up she always appeared calm & elegant & didn't behave poorly. I am channeling Nicole Kidman today.
In Nicole Kidman & Tom Cruise's break-up she always appeared calm & elegant & didn't behave poorly. I am channeling Nicole Kidman today.
Monday, 23 April 2012
Wow - this wasn't a joke & nothing's going back to normal
I'm sitting in my kitchen, the only adult in the house, wondering how. I bought into "for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness & in health" yet somehow I've become one of the 40% of marriages that don't last.
And I don't know how I feel..........Happy, then unimaginably sad. Relieved, then overwhelmed with the enormity of facing the world on my own. Strong & beautiful, then worried that parts of me are further south than when I last dated. I miss my husband so much that sometimes I cannot breathe. Then I talk to him about some mundane detail related to our business or the kids & I'm suddenly remembering why I just couldn't face the rest of my life with him. I'm tempted to go on a date, but really still I just want my marriage to work & for everything to go back to how it was......10-years ago.
10-years ago when I loved him with all my heart. 10-years ago when there was nothing that we couldn't face together. 10-years ago when we found out that our first child was coming. 10-years ago when I didn't yet know he had a drinking problem. A reliance on alcohol that would create havoc in our life, that would erode my trust, my love and my respect. Respect for him, respect for myself. Not all at once, but slowly, insidiously, irretrievably.
I'm a professional woman. Smart, sassy, successful, attractive, optimistic (mostly!). He's handsome, charming, more optimistic, always sees the best in others, supportive and everybody loves him. We should have been the "perfect couple". In the lottery that is life we had everything going for us. At least it looked that way.
Why do people drink too much on a regular basis? Is it trouble relaxing? Is it they just enjoy how it feels? Is there a gene that's faulty? (My reading of the science says that this is a nice easy answer but is further from the truth than the media would have us believe) Is it a lack of self worth or self love?
There are probably more theories than there are psychologists. What I do know - now - is that theories mean nothing to the wife who checks the level of spirits at 3am. Nothing to the wife who goes to open that bottle of wine that was a gift from a client, to find it's already empty, but hidden back in the cupboard. Theories mean little to the wife who goes to get herself a glass of wine & finds that even the wine her husband dislikes has been drunk. And understanding doesn't buy the children new shoes or pay the mortgage.
So now I can create a calm, secure home for my children. I can start managing our business without the rollercoaster of poor decision making and unpredictability. I can't wait to start. And along the way I'm going to chronicle the journey. Maybe, there will be someone else out there who reads this and sees that yes, she too can leave, can make a change, maybe earlier than I did.
And I don't know how I feel..........Happy, then unimaginably sad. Relieved, then overwhelmed with the enormity of facing the world on my own. Strong & beautiful, then worried that parts of me are further south than when I last dated. I miss my husband so much that sometimes I cannot breathe. Then I talk to him about some mundane detail related to our business or the kids & I'm suddenly remembering why I just couldn't face the rest of my life with him. I'm tempted to go on a date, but really still I just want my marriage to work & for everything to go back to how it was......10-years ago.
10-years ago when I loved him with all my heart. 10-years ago when there was nothing that we couldn't face together. 10-years ago when we found out that our first child was coming. 10-years ago when I didn't yet know he had a drinking problem. A reliance on alcohol that would create havoc in our life, that would erode my trust, my love and my respect. Respect for him, respect for myself. Not all at once, but slowly, insidiously, irretrievably.
I'm a professional woman. Smart, sassy, successful, attractive, optimistic (mostly!). He's handsome, charming, more optimistic, always sees the best in others, supportive and everybody loves him. We should have been the "perfect couple". In the lottery that is life we had everything going for us. At least it looked that way.
Why do people drink too much on a regular basis? Is it trouble relaxing? Is it they just enjoy how it feels? Is there a gene that's faulty? (My reading of the science says that this is a nice easy answer but is further from the truth than the media would have us believe) Is it a lack of self worth or self love?
There are probably more theories than there are psychologists. What I do know - now - is that theories mean nothing to the wife who checks the level of spirits at 3am. Nothing to the wife who goes to open that bottle of wine that was a gift from a client, to find it's already empty, but hidden back in the cupboard. Theories mean little to the wife who goes to get herself a glass of wine & finds that even the wine her husband dislikes has been drunk. And understanding doesn't buy the children new shoes or pay the mortgage.
So now I can create a calm, secure home for my children. I can start managing our business without the rollercoaster of poor decision making and unpredictability. I can't wait to start. And along the way I'm going to chronicle the journey. Maybe, there will be someone else out there who reads this and sees that yes, she too can leave, can make a change, maybe earlier than I did.
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